Thursday, January 10, 2008

Yesterday was so bad I don't even wanna talk about it. I went home, sat on the couch and didn't move till it was time to move to the bed. New day. Today's been better. Work is always going to be work. I feel lately like I want to spend all of my time on the treadmill or reading a really good book that I've yet to find. Today I found out that my other sister in law is pregnant. Lovely. I'm so conflicted about the baby thing. I want one and I think I want one now. My head tells me to wait but I'm not sure for what. The Unknown, as He is known around our house. Who knows what will happen a week from now let alone 9 months. Then I think about is our house big enough? No. If we get a bigger one then I'm going to have to work. Well I assume I would but I don't want to. Not because I want to sit at home and eat Cheetos all day (which...no. I couldn't) but because I want to freaking clean our house, clean our clothes, take care of our life that always seems to slip through the cracks. I fell like I can't focus. I can't do it all and be everything to everyone. Part of that is self made. In my head. Part of it isn't. When at work, I have to know it all, what time it's doing what and make sure it gets expensed on time. Period. I have people who rely on me to think for them. I've gotten good at it. Thinking about peoples needs before they need it has always been something I've been good at. That part of me thinks I'll be a good mom. Back to subject. When I get home, I've exhausted that part of my brain. Don't wanna think anymore. Don't wanna have to gather, wash, dry and fold all the clothes or gather, wash, load, unload, repeat all the dishes. When does the enjoying yourself/life come in? Even if I threw away all the random crap around our house, things would still get messy. Where does it all come from and do I really want to add another person to this spinning mass of confusion?

ok. breathe...

It would almost be better if I got pregnant on accident. That way there would be no going back and I would have to just get over all my freaking out. Bite my tongue right. I have a ton inside me. A ton I want to do/create. At least an hour a day of my life is spent seeking out inspiration to fuel me on. To give me hope. My hope seems a little dim right now. I know it's just my vantage point.

And we live another day...

2 comments:

Kate (Cathy) Johnson said...

Well, sweetie, yes it IS your vantage point, but you earned it fair and square. You've ALWAYS been the one people looked to, mature beyond your years, thinking of others before yourself. It's a Catch-22, because it catches UP to you. Of course you're exhausted and spread too thin!

You're in incredible, wonderful, brilliant, caring human being, with responsibilities far beyond your years as well. You've earned those, too, but that doesn't mean they don't wear on you, drag you down.

We expect so MUCH of ourselves. I know so exactly what you're feeling...I've been there, though I do allow myself time to slow down and let my soul catch up with me, now. Sometimes.

I can see so easily how you got where you are, writing this. It's absolutely natural. (My niece in Nevada is so much like you...always the one to get things done, think of others, make sure everything's taken care of, think ahead...and she too has sometimes gotten exhausted with it.)

If you ever need to talk, just call. You ARE to coolest kid I know, besides being totally magic, but I hate to see you burn yourself out at your age. (I was well into my thirties when I got myself in that condition.*GG*)

Love you, sweetie...cut yourself some slack...

Jen/SIL said...

HeHe. I just read this post where you found out I was preggers (way to go on the enthusiasm). It's almost psychic.