Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Apparently, Sick is My Mouthpiece

So I really didn't intent to be all emotional about this thing with my friend. It just kinda happened. I did push submit but once reading over it realized how I sounded. Things aren't great between her and I but I believe can and should be worked out. She is a self absorbed person. Most of us are at our core. I need to look at this as an opportunity to love her, rather than not be friends with her just because she's acting weird or rarely thinks of my feelings. Just keep perspective. I was expecting her to provide me with something she can't give. Something that only God can give me. I was wrong, as per usual when we really stop to take a look at the large situation in front of us. We're typically the ones getting in the way. Not that she doesn't have some fault. She does. But so did the millions of others that Jesus loved. We're all broken. We're all messed up if we were to let others see who we really are. It's human nature. That is what normal is.

She and I went to lunch today. We talked. Not about our relationship but about her. I started out just kind of letting her talk. Letting her vent as she always does. I figure being a sounding board isn't the worst thing. She needs someone objective to talk to. As she talks though, I feel this stir. I feel that God Thing inside me clawing at the back of my lips wanting to get out. So I open and let loose. She's having marriage troubles. This I've known for some time. She's not been willing to do anything about it and I've not really been that helpful because honestly she never listens to what I have to say anyway. So I normally just shake my head and we move on. I realize I'm the one who's been letting her down. I'm the one who's been giving her the weird treatment of sorts because I've not been who I am. Who she knows me to be. So we talk. We talk for awhile. I am choosing my words carefully at first because as good of friends as I like to think we are, we've never discussed the "God" aspect of things. I know she occasionally goes to church but in my eyes church is just a by product of loving god, not what it's about. Not the meat of relationship with God. So after awhile of this careful dance we're doing with one another I open my mouth wide. Low and behold, That God Thing crawls straight out of my stomach and lands right in the middle of the car between us. I'm watching in horror as my mouthpiece is spilling these much needed words to my best girlfriend. Speaking to her from my own life experience, telling her things I've read in books and being honest for once. Really honest. Telling her that marriage isn't easy and it's not going to be. It's about a decision that you make sometimes moment by moment to love that person past what he does or says. You love him for you who know he is. I'm telling her she needs to make a real decision to either stay married to this guy or not. And if she chooses to stay with him, she needs to be ready to make a fool of herself by an means necessary to figure out the puzzle that is marriage and how it applies to hers. Good thing she was driving because she hopefully didn't look over and see the disconnect between my eyes wide in disbelief of what my mouth was saying. I told her I wasn't smart. It's not that I was born with all this. I sought it out. When things get tough your real desperation is shown. "Are you truly desperate enough for you marriage to work to do whatever it takes?" I say to her. She's stunned. She doesn't know what to say. I tell her that's the real choice here. Not what things she's going to nag at him next about or if she wants to "secretly" go hang out with some dude she dated in high school. It's real life people. About this time we get back to work and thank the Lord because who knows what else might have popped out. I know the Lord has probably been trying to get me to say those things for ages to her and the weirdness was mine because I wasn't doing what I was suppose to. Funny how that works...

The proof now will be in the pudding for me because I'll wait to see what she does. She may really do this this time or she may not. The proof will be me loving her past what she does. Doing exactly what I told her to do. Loving her past what she does and loving her for who she is. I've always wondered why God gives me friends that always need something from me but today I realized that it's how he uses me. My ministry as some people say. I've never thought of myself as a person who could go to another country and reach the masses but one person at a time, I can do that...

Quick Update: We've not been back at work a full hour yet and she's already freaking out about something to do with their checkbook. Calling him saying she's going to get a separate account and is mad because he's laughing at her. I say "He's laughing because he thinks you're being irrational" she says that she isn't. Sigh...At least I learned something from our talk about her marriage today.

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